Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. I taught a lesson about marriage this Sunday to the 17-18 year old girls in my church. Talk about a responsibility. What do they need to know/realize/understand as they enter the world of prospective men and a lifetime/eternity of that is so contingent on the decisions they will make in the next decade or so of their lives? What could possibly prepare them, shield them, and arm them as they go out into the battlefield of love, lusthounds, and lame-os?
Divorce rates are high. So many issues are splitting people apart. So many misgivings are bringing people together. What makes marriages work? What really matters in marriage for now and forever??
When it came down to it during Sunday's lesson, I realized right away that I had less time than I needed to share all that I had prepared. On the spot I had to decide what was most important. In addition to a lot of doctrine about temple/celestial marriage, I felt the need/responsibility to impart some of the lessons I have learned from experience. I want to document it to remind me to share with my daughters then they (gulp) are 17-18 themselves.
1. You can love people you don't end up marrying. (A.k.a... you don't have to marry him just because you love him.) I had a lot of serious relationships in high school/college. There was a lot of caring and a lot of love. But love only one ingredient to starting a happy marriage.
2. You can let someone go, even if he has good "potential." (A.k.a... you don't have to marry him just because he's a good guy and he can take you to the temple.) In college, somehow I ended up engaged to someone I didn't even really like in the beginning. He filled the "checklist" I had made in church as a 13-year-old girl. But "the checklist" is only one ingredient to starting a happy marriage.
3. You should want to give, and you should feel given to. So much of marriage is about shedding your selfishness. In these years of being a wife and mother, I am still a naturally selfish person. Given, most of the things I "want" are usually good, functional things... but I can let my present "needs" or "ideals" override the big picture of what is really important. How can I be so short-sighted and blinded by my own petty desires?? Learning to be selfless is a huge ingredient to a happy marriage.
4. Once married, be prepared to WORK. (A.k.a... it ain't all roses.) I love Paul so madly, care about him deeply, and we know each other so thoroughly. Yet it can be a challenge to make sure I am communicating these feelings so that he knows it amidst all the bustle a busy, sometimes frenzied life. Being a parent takes work. Running a household takes work. Providing for a family is work. But in all that work, there should still be energy left over to work on having a good marriage. Somehow, I can let my need for order, a clean house, a schedule, sleep, etc. etc. etc. override tender feelings for him. It takes deliberate caring and affection. WORK is a key ingredient to maintaining a happy marriage. And I'm still
working on this one... :)
In my preparations, was reminded of my favorite quotes about marriage. When I did marriage counseling, I practically had these memorized because they applied to every person with marriage issues that ever came in for help.
They are both from Gordon B. Hinckley:
"If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness."
and...
"I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion."
Any marriage, left untended, can go sour.
I am so grateful for a husband who tends to our marriage. He does so much to "ensure [my] comfort and happiness." Thoughtful and perceptive, he dotes on needs I don't even realize I have. He calms my troubles (some valid and some completely irrational) with "anxious concern for [my] comfort and well-being."
I am so very blessed to be a partner in his tender love for our children and our marriage. His commitment to us fills his day with long hours at the hospital, few hours of sleep, driving carpools, lugging all the kids around with him to run my errands while I scramble to pick up the pieces of my failing order and sanity in the house... the list goes on and on.
Harold B. Lee said "
Testimony isn't something you have today, and you are going to have always. A testimony is fragile. It is as hard to hold as a moonbeam. It is something you have to recapture every day of your life.” I would say the same about love in marriage. When you are dating, it seems that your love could sustain every need you would ever have in all of life. As time goes on, the demands of life and your own weaknesses intrude and invade that blissful oasis. The love has to be recaptured each day.
I am glad to be reminded of this again and again. I have been privy to many struggles, hardships, and failings of marriages. It is heartbreaking and sad. I have also cheered on marriages that have worked through hard times. I have seen dedication and determination, re-dedication and reconnection. It is forward-looking and hopeful.
All of these thoughts are swirling in my head, helping me to "recapture" that dedication for myself.
Life is so good, even with its struggles and frenzied pace. Even though I may not be able to keep up with my "ideals" and the to-do list, I do need to "keep up" with my husband and lend his "well-being" a little "anxious concern" sometimes.
Love you Paul.
